FWIS 2.0

[Sigma_Orionis]

XOF - Fairer and Bumpier by the minute
_________________
Sic Transit Gloria Mundi

Translation for Evil Imperialists:

"Thus Passes the The Glory of the World"
Phrase used in the ritual for Papal Coronations until 1963.

[mike alexander]

XOF - Deluded by private sex fantasies since 1963.

I mean, get it right.
_________________
Hitch a ride to the end of the highway
where the neon turns to wood...

[Sigma_Orionis]

Private?

Don't you know that the Ebil Nigra Gub'mint™ is going to nationalize sex?
_________________
Sic Transit Gloria Mundi

Translation for Evil Imperialists:

"Thus Passes the The Glory of the World"
Phrase used in the ritual for Papal Coronations until 1963.

[brite]

[Sigma_Orionis]

No, it means you'll have to pay taxes every time yew do it
_________________
Sic Transit Gloria Mundi

Translation for Evil Imperialists:

"Thus Passes the The Glory of the World"
Phrase used in the ritual for Papal Coronations until 1963.

[brite]

[swift]

[mike alexander]

HEADLINES


ASTROLOGER PROVES ALL LIBRAS ARE REALLY VAMPIRES

GULF OF MEXICO WHALES SAY NEW OIL SLICK SMOOTHS WRINKLES, MAKES THEM LOOK THIRTY YEARS YOUNGER

OBAMA ANCESTOR IMPLICATED IN STARTING AMERICAN CIVIL WAR

SCIENTISTS DON'T DISCOVER ANYTHING NEW THIS WEEK, RECYCLE LAST WEEK'S STUNNING BREAKTHROUGHS

LONELY STAR BLOWS UP IN FAR CORNER OF UNIVERSE, NO ONE CARES

LOCH NESS MONSTER REVEALED TO BE A REALLY UGLY SCOTSMAN GOING FOR A SWIM

IKYOTO TO STAR IN NEW FILM, 'MEN WHO STARE AT BOOBS'

EIGHT BOTTLES OF BEER STILL LEFT ON THE WALL

JC PENNY WHITE SALE CALLED RACIST

INVENTOR OR MICROWAVE OVEN REACHES INTERNAL TEMPERATURE OF 165 DEGREES, IS DONE

CHILD GENIUS KILLED BY JEALOUS TENURED PROFESSORS

BRITISH PETROLEUM DECLARES 'FREE OIL DAY', SAYS CUSTOMERS CAN PICK UP HANDOUT IN GULF OF MEXICO

GOD FINISHED RESTING, EIGHTH DAY COULD BE DICEY
_________________
Hitch a ride to the end of the highway
where the neon turns to wood...

[Morrolan]

[Sigma_Orionis]

[mike alexander]

HEADLINES


ALCHEMIST TURNS LEAD INTO KIM KARDASHIAN

RESEARCHERS DETERMINE THE PROSTATE IS REALLY AN ALIEN PARASITE ON YOUR BALLS

NEW SNACK FOOD CONTAINS ZERO TRANS FATS, ZERO NUTRITION

AVERAGE AMERICAN INTELLIGENCE SLIPS BELOW THAT OF GOLDFISH, STILL AHEAD OF AMOEBAE

NINE YEAR OLD REPORTS FINDING DOZENS OF AMAZING LITTLE PARTS IN GREAT-GRANDFATHER'S POCKET WATCH

DESPITE WARNINGS, RECALCITRANT TEENAGER REPEATEDLY SPLITS INFINITIVE: "I'LL BOLDLY GO WHEREVER I WANT TO" HE SAYS

FIRST INTERRACIAL COCK TRANSPLANT SUCCESSFUL, WHITE GUY FINALLY FEELS 'HUNG'

NASA SATELLITE DISCOVERS RING OF CHEETOS ORBITING NEARBY STAR, SAYS ODDS OF INTELLIGENT LIFE ELSEWHERE DROP AS A RESULT

CONGRESS DECLARES JUNE TO BE 'WE ARE TOTALLY FUCKED UP' MONTH

LEGUME FOUNDATION SAYS FARTING IS ESSENTIAL TO GOOD HEALTH

CONGRESS PASSES RESOLUTION REQUIRING PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE BEFORE MAJOR DENTAL PROCEDURES

SARAH PALIN SAYS THAT PATRIOTISM 'DRIPS FROM HER NIPPLES' WHEN SHE SINGS 'GOD BLESS AMERICA', OFFERS SAMPLES

BRET FARVE SAYS HE WILL RETURN IF OPPOSING TEAMS PROMISE NOT TO HIT HIM DURING GAME
_________________
Hitch a ride to the end of the highway
where the neon turns to wood...

[mike alexander]

BP SAYS OIL RELEASED INTO GULF TO ENCOURAGE ALGAE TO MAKE FUEL
(XOF News - Greasing the skids of public discourse)

BP, the Company Formerly Known As British Petroleum, rolled out a new set of television commercials yesterday, explaining how its release of crude oil into the gulf of Mexico is intended as an encouragement to endogenous algae to make their own biofuel.

"It's really very simple," spokesman D'oly Sheen told XOF News. "By adding a bit of crude to the water algae live in we are giving them an example of what we want them to make."

BP has been in the biofuel business for years, Sheen noted. "We made our first commercial about being responsible partners in sustainable fuels back in 2004," he noted. "Since then, BP has invested over two hundred million dollars in sustainable fuel advertising, and we intend to invest even more. We will not rest until the public is convinced we are doing something about the challenge."

He said that while many scientists have been working feverishly to modify algae genetically to make oil, "BP prefers the market approach, believing free enterprise and entreprenurship will encourage the algae to compete among themselves to come up with the best oil-production scheme." He indicated that a similar procedure has been used among the upper management at BP and so far "It has resulted in making a ton of money."

A side benefit of the introduction of oil to the Gulf is the possibility that enterprising shrimp and oysters will learn to eat oil directly, allowing cooks to prepare them with no added fats, "A definite health benefit."
_________________
Hitch a ride to the end of the highway
where the neon turns to wood...

[swift]

[swift]

God continues his attack on music

After his repeated attempts to destroy the Jazz Capital of the US, New Orleans, by first deploying hurricane Katrina, and next the BP oil spill, God turned his attention to the Country Music Capital of the US, Nashville, with 13 inches of rain this past weekend, and severe flooding that killed several people and left the Grand Old Opry and the Country Music Hall of Fame without electrical power.

Detroit, the one time home of Motown and R&B was destroyed decades ago.

Mayor Frank Jackson of Cleveland, Ohio has declared a preemptive state of emergency. "We're home to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame and the Polka Hall of Fame, so you know we're next". Mayor Jackson denied reports that either LeBron James' elbow or the Cleveland Indians were the end of God's wrath on Cleveland.

Meanwhile, Department of Homeland Security Chief, Janet Chocolate-Vanilla-Strawberry, has ordered God to be placed on the terrorist "No-Fly" list, but said at this time he is only a "being of interest". She denied reports that the CIA and MI6 were investigating connections among the Anglican Church, British Petroleum, and God.

Thanks John Stewart for the idea
_________________
Militant agnositic - I don't know and you don't either.

[jlj]

[mike alexander]

LETTUCE FOUND IN CALIFORNIA E. COLI SAMPLES
(XOF News - Eat me)

Authorities in twenty three states have issued a recall after discovering 'significant amounts' of lettuce in shipments of e. coli from California.

"It appears that with the depressed economy our illegal field hands aren't eating as much," grower Harold G. "Fudge" Packer told XOF News. "As a result, they don't shit on the fields as much, lowering the e.coli content of the product."

Packer and fellow growers have pledged to provide more high-bulk filler in the wetback's feed supplies. We are switching to the enhanced fiber form of Pruina Field Hand Chow immediately," he said. "We want every real American consumer to know that when they buy products from US agribusnesses they are getting a food product that is guaranteed to be full of shit."
_________________
Hitch a ride to the end of the highway
where the neon turns to wood...

[Sigma_Orionis]

[mike alexander]

CHINA TO LET POPULATION FLOAT AGAINST CURRENCIES
(XOF News - Home of Thomas Malthus the Engine of Destruction)

The 'Government' of China announced today that its population would no longer be counted in absolute terms, but that the number would be allowed to float against a marketbasket of world currencies.

"We think that this is an innovative step in bringing population in line with Gross Domestic Product," Minister in Charge of Pronouncing 'L' Correctly Wan Hung Low told XOF News. "When the yuan rises against foreign currencies, a portion of the population will be withdrawn from circulation to reestablish stable exchange rates."

India has expressed a similar interest, as has the US state of Arizona.
_________________
Hitch a ride to the end of the highway
where the neon turns to wood...

[mike alexander]

HEADLINES


NEW WORLD TRADE CENTER TOWER TO INCLUDE STARK INDUSTRIES 'MUSLIM REPULSORS'


MAN SAYS HE LIKES INDIVIDUAL THREESOMES WITH DOCTOR AND NURSE MORE THAN ‘SOCIALIZED’ MEDICINE


'MIRACLE BOY' BORN WITHOUT A PENIS IS REALLY JUST A GIRL, RELATIVES ADMIT


RARE PHOTOGRAPH OF GEORGE WASHINGTON BOUGHT BY SARAH PALIN FOR $100,000


GULF OIL SPILL REDUCES CARBON FOOTPRINT OF DEEP SEA FLOOR


TEA PARTY DEMANDS ALL CANDIDATES THEY SUPPORT PROVE THEY WERE NOT ABORTED


TIGER WOODS DISCOVERED TO HAVE ‘MAGIC CAUCASIAN’ CADDY


PHYSICISTS CREATE BOSE-EINSTEIN CONDENSATE INSIDE JOHN MCCAIN’S SKULL


IMAGE OF RANDOM MARKINGS ON WALL ATTRACTS THOUSANDS OF ATHIESTS


ETHANOL-POWERED TAVERN GETS 28 DRUNKS/GALLON
_________________
Hitch a ride to the end of the highway
where the neon turns to wood...

[mike alexander]

WOMEN TO SERVE SUBMARINES
(XOF News - We'll hold your pickle if you let us)

The Navy issued today a clarification of an earlier statement that in the future women would be allowed to serve on submarines.

"Amazing how one little preposition can screw you like Pat Robertson doing a sheep," Admiral Lance Boyle told XOF News. "It was supposed to say that women will be able to serve submarines, as a result of hiring more distaff workers at our on-base sandwich shops."

In the past, naval rules prohibited women from serving men any sandwiches longer than they are wide, so as not to give ship's personnel any funny ideas. "It was thought by top brass that a woman holding a grinder was just too salacious for the Navy," the Admiral said. "But we're moving rapidly into the nineteenth century now, and since elimination of the triangles and the cat, we thought we might take a deep breath and let the little darlings have a bit more responsibility."

Reactions from elisted men were generally positive. "The thought that a delicate, feminine hand was the last thing to touch that po' boy before it slides between my lips seems a good thing," bo'sun Tighe Cheeks said. "And if she offered to first lick it all over, well, that would be OK, too."
_________________
Hitch a ride to the end of the highway
where the neon turns to wood...

[swift]

Oh Mike, that Navy story just proves you're my hero.


_________________
Militant agnositic - I don't know and you don't either.

[jlj]

[Sigma_Orionis]

Why do I get the feeling that SOMEONE is going to come up with some innuendo regarding a meatball hero sandwich.........?
_________________
Sic Transit Gloria Mundi

Translation for Evil Imperialists:

"Thus Passes the The Glory of the World"
Phrase used in the ritual for Papal Coronations until 1963.

[swift]

[mike alexander]

OIL SPILL RECOVERY EFFORTS RATED 'R'
(XOF News - We can't wait for the uncut DVD)

In a bold, thrusting attempt to satisfy the needs of a ravenous pipe lying akimbo on the sea floor, BP engineers attempted to insert a nine inch pipe into the oozing orifice

[mike alexander]

WEEKEND HEADLINES


CONGRESS ANNOUNCES PLAN TO STORE NATION'S OIL DEEP UNDERGROUND


MUTANT BEER DEVELOPS TWO HEADS


NEW 'TANNERS' GROUP DEMAND TO KNOW OBAMA'S SPF NUMBER


CHICAGO MAN DISCOVERS SUNDAY MORNING NEWS PROGRAMS SOUND EXACTLY THE SAME PLAYED BACKWARDS


OLDER ATHIESTS BEGINNING TO WONDER, JUST A LITTLE BIT


SCIENTISTS DISCOVER 'PI' IS REALLY 'EPSILON', SAY NOT TO PANIC YET


LAST NATIONAL HOCKEY LEAGUE FAN FOUND


NEW 'MR. T PARTY' PITIES THE FOOLS WHO DON'T JOIN


PHYSICISTS BOMBARD BIBLE WITH PROTONS, DISCOVER NEW FUNDAMENTALIST PARTICLE


MUMMY HASN'T EATEN IN OVER 3,000 YEARS


HAITI STAGES FAKE EARTHQUAKE TO REGAIN WORLD'S NOTICE


U S SENATE PASSES RULE ALLOWING 'A SINGLE CONTRARY ASSHOLE TO SHUT DOWN THE WHOLE SHEBANG'
_________________
Hitch a ride to the end of the highway
where the neon turns to wood...

[mike alexander]

FIVE DAY FORECAST CALLS FOR SUNDAY, MONDAY, TUESDAY, WEDNESDAY, THURSDAY
(XOF Weather - Partly sort of)

While the early part of the coming week will be dominated by Monday and Tuesday, predicted trends indicate that Friday is likely just before the weekend. Those planning midweek activities should know that Wednesday still looks very likely.
_________________
Hitch a ride to the end of the highway
where the neon turns to wood...

[Thumper]

I could have done without Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.......

[swift]

(XOF Sports)
SOME PARTIAL SCORES FROM THIS AFTERNOON'S GAMES
Chicago 6
_________________
Militant agnositic - I don't know and you don't either.

[Coventry]

[brite]

[mike alexander]

REPUBLICANS PLAN 'TOP KILL' TO COMBAT SPREADING OBAMA SLICKNESS
(XOF News - Cruder than West Texas)

Sen. Snitch McConnell of Kaintuck announced today that Republicans will attempt a 'top kill' on Obama, hoping to shove enough junk down his throat to stop the spreading slick of socialism from further fouling the nation's precious bodily fluids.

"This guy has been spewing for a year and a half," he told XOF News. "Our plan is to come up with enough mud on him and then pump so much of it down that he won't be able to say anything." Republicans will then permanently cement their hold on America by having Sarah Palin wrap her legs around Obama's head. "That should seal him off for good," McConnell said.
_________________
Hitch a ride to the end of the highway
where the neon turns to wood...

[Coventry]

[mike alexander]

ENGLISH PROTEST UNORTHODOX AMERICAN SOCCER TACTICS

England has filed a formal protest to FIFAFOFUM against the tactics used by American players in their first World Cup game.

“Instead of coming out and playing like gentlemen, the Americans are hiding behind trees and rocks, taking shots and then ducking down again,” English coach Edward Cornwallis told XOF Sports. “It is most unsporting and takes away our enormous advantage in talent.”

“Tell Cornwallis he can yank my doodle dandy,” American coach Sam Adams replied. “Like all Americans, we are not here to play, we are here to win and cheer ‘USAUSAUSA’ while drinking as much beer as possible.”
_________________
Hitch a ride to the end of the highway
where the neon turns to wood...

[mike alexander]

REPUBLICANS HAMMER OBAMA FOR OIL INDUSTRY JOB LOSSES
(XOF News - Slippery, but flammable)

Echoing Lousiana Governor Piyush Amrit "Bobby" Jindal, Republicans heaped criticism on President Obama for endorsing oil giant BP's successful termination of the massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

"What the President has done is place in jeopardy thousands of jobs in the rapidly growing oil-spill remediation industry," Gov. Jindal said. "In addition, his moratorium on deep water drilling ensures that many of these jobs will not be created in the near future, just when the economy needs them most."

Republican analyst Newt "Leroy" Gingrich has called for the importation of Saudi oil in supertankers to be released off the Louisiana, Texas and Florida coasts to make up for the loss of domestic spills, as well as the recycling of recovered oil back into Gulf waters. "I'm generally against anything that smells like conservation, but with the domestic shortfall of economically viable oil slicks we may have to just bite the bullet until we can get that well unclogged again." He also favors drilling several relief wells to take the pollution burden off the original site. "With two, or even three or four wells in operation we will have greater insurance against a single source failure in production," he said. "While our Saudi partners have indicated their willingness to provide us with a 'bridge slick', it is in the best interests of America to produce our own."
_________________
Hitch a ride to the end of the highway
where the neon turns to wood...

[mike alexander]

HEADLINES

WORLD'S OLDEST MAN REMEMBERS LAST HARD-ON FONDLY

GLENN BECK TEARFULLY TELLS AUDIENCE "I MIGHT DIE SOMEDAY"

POLL SHOWS MOST PRIESTS WOULD RATHER HAVE SEX WITH ANGELINA JOLIE THAN AN ALTAR BOY

CATHOLICS PREFER 'CLASSIC HOST' OVER 'NEW HOST' BY LARGE MARGIN

IRANIAN IMAM ISSUES FATWAH AGAINST "EVERY DAMNED THING I CAN THINK OF"

SON, HOLY GHOST STAGE HOSTILE TAKEOVER OF FATHER; NEW BRAND NAME IS "DUALITY"

CHEVROLET 'EXIT' REDUCES EMISSIONS BY CAPTURING EXHAUST IN PASSENGER COMPARTMENT

US SENATOR REFUSES BRIBE, SAYS IT WAS "MUCH TOO SMALL TO CONSIDER"

ENGLAND DEVALUES POUND TO OUNCE

CHELSEA CLINTON TO DONATE LEFTOVERS FROM $5 MILLION WEDDING TO NEEDY POOR

JESUS SAYS HE'LL BE DOWN IN ABOUT FIFTEEN MINUTES

OBESITY EPIDEMIC HITS OIL-EATING BACTERIA IN GULF OF MEXICO

_________________
Hitch a ride to the end of the highway
where the neon turns to wood...

[mike alexander]

A WHOLE HEAP O' HEADLINES


MEL GIBSON APOLOGIZES FOR CALLING JESUS' MOTHER A "DUMB KIKE WHORE"

GULF OF MEXICO BACTERIA PROTEST OIL CUTOFF

REPUBLICANS FIND 'ANCHOR BABIES' DON'T HOLD YACHTS AT MOORINGS VERY WELL

YET ANOTHER PERSON DENIES BEING WINDOWS 7

GHOSTS OF GROUND ZERO RISE UP TO DEFEND AGAINST HUGE COMMERCIAL BUILDING ON SACRED SITE

SENIORS DISCOVER DRY CAT FOOD IS FILLING, KEEPS DENTURES CLEANER THAN MOIST CAT FOOD

NEW HYBRID ROLLS ROYCE WILL RUN ON EITHER PETROL OR CAVIAR

HUGO CHAVEZ EXHUMES HIS OWN BRAIN ON NATIONAL TV

INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION SWITCHES TO LITHIUM POWER, FEELS BETTER ALREADY

CLAIRVOYANT OCTOPUS REVEALS WE'RE ALL GOING TO HELL

BUDDHISTS CREATE ZEN MOST WANTED LIST

TEA PARTY PLATFORM DEMANDS EQUAL TIME FOR WHITE HOLES

NEW APPLE IPAD HAS WINGS, IS MORE ABSORBENT

JIM BEAM HELPS YOUNGSTERS 'FIRST DAY' SCHOOL FEARS

TEACHER FINDS MAIN REWARD IS SENSE OF SUPERIORITY OVER IGNORANT FUCKWADS

POPE PASSES A FULL MONTH WITHOUT OFFENDING SOMEONE

CITING BUDGETS, NASA PLANS UNMANNED PROBE TO CHECK OUT CAFETERIA SPECIALS BEFORE SENDING ASTRONAUTS TO LUNCH
_________________
Hitch a ride to the end of the highway
where the neon turns to wood...

[swift]

[Sigma_Orionis]